suicidebomb's Diaryland Diary



I've hit an all-time low. I've been having panic attacks about this for the last few days, feeling like its been pending for ages. I can't locate on individual event/comment thats triggered it off but rather a few things. Firstly, the sense of rejection by the female gender. Henar, French girl, JM, Frances &c. The general feeling that I can't pick up when a girl is hitting on me, getting nervous. Would I get this nervous if I didn't want something to happen. Secondly, the overwhelming fear that I can't get an erection when I need to. This is a problem because everytime I've had to get one it's come sooner or later (albeit, there was only one real occasion with a girl). Thirdly, the sense of guilt that I am deceiving a girl by leading her on, when I know nothing will come of it. Finally, the general lonliness I am experiencing as a consequence of all my friends being happily-partnered. This can be extended to a general fear I'm going to end up by myself for life. Ofcourse, I can think of rational responses to all these fears/anxieties.

Rational Responses.

1. Not every girl you meet is going to fall head over heels in love with you, sometimes it takes time, sometimes it never happens. Alcohol surely helps speed up the general process. But don't take rejection personally, they might just not view you in that way. It's the same with any gender.

2. Deal with this when it happens. You're anticipating your worse fear. Sex takes practice and if someone is right for you, there will be a natural aphrodisiac.

3. Well, you don't know nothing will come of it, so get over your self-doubts and enjoy yourself. Don't get to riled up with what will/won't happen or what people will think. Play it day-by-day.

4. This is completely natural - gay or straight - as the wizardofwaz said; you're making the grand transition from 'bed-hopping', sowing your seeds to a serious monogomous relationship. This is scary for many people. But it needs to be dealt with, if you are to find someone to enjoy yourself with.

Indeed, I'm happy with all these responses, but am I deceiving myself that I can find happiness with a girl? We shall see.

1:11 p.m. - 2008-03-31


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