suicidebomb's Diaryland Diary


The Unhappy Confrontation.

My dad approached me this morning and asked me about the way I was dressed.I was wearing the red lacoste polo t-shirt, black skinnies and black pumps. Nothing too suspect or "gay-ish". He started asking me about "what kind of people wear this style?...Ever since you said it was a style I've kept my eyes open as to who wears it and noticed its not very common", I was growing impatient with these constant confrontations and insinuations. I argued that it was an "indie" style' know like "indie" rock, do you know what "indie" rock music is?' I was on the defensive he told me, I pushed further 'what are you trying to get at? Why don't you be less vague', I felt like I had twisted a knife in my own stomach. It didn't feel very nice or very easy. He started making up things to corner me and test me, like he was a in court of justice, said he wanted to know the truth and that as a father he felt he needed to know. I understood his perspective, I hate lieing, especially when its to someone you care about. we went back and forth dipping into philosophies and vaguenesses for a good half an hour. 'You say on the one hand you want the truth but then you say you will "excommunicate" me if I was', this was the give away line, 'You can lie to everyone around you, but not yourself' he claimed, he was absolutely right. I finally bit the bullet, 'I'm bisexual'. All my research seemed inappropriate to bring up now. I felt like I was definitely defending myself now at this point. He told me his friend had been enquiring about me and insinuating there was something to be concerned about: all this probably sprouted from me not spending time with his son: we have little in common, I have other things to worry about such as writing essays, exams and meeting up with my mates. Anyway, they can say or think what they want. What I need to think about now is the future. If I am to even contemplate my sexuality, I need to have relationships, not little sexual experiences. I think I will move out soon and get on with things. As Zoi said, my sexuality will come to me sooner or later. But I think moving out will be a good idea, I feel trapped at home and constantly suveyed. Hope can I develop, when I know my parents have an image of the son they want, and I diverge from that in many senses. I can't conform to other's expectations, just as I accept others cannot change to mine. I'm hurt by what my father has said, but he is very upset and speaking in the heat of the moment. I think my mother will never fully accept it or be able to deal with it. My sister would be fine, I'm certain. I just don't know where to place myself, I havae fancied girls, but it takes something particular to strike up an interest. Similarly, I'm not into all aspects of gay sexuality, I have no interest in anal sex but like frottage and kissing. I don't know, I feel tense and my heart aches.

7:51 p.m. - 2008-06-22


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