suicidebomb's Diaryland Diary


petty quibbles and changing peoples.

John and George, my old Queen Mary buddies, the ones I've been friends with for years, had great times and rubbish times, but interesting times all the same. I'm realising what I want and what they want are different. In the case of George, he doesn't need many friends, doesn't have particularly high standards for friends, and is happy just bouncing along in life with his pretty unremarkable girlfriend. Ofcourse, in his mind, if he ever sits and analyses things, everything is pretty fucking superb. He's not ambitious at all, but is very charming on demand, and can roll out hilarious jokes out of nowhere. He's not the most pretty boy, but clearly there is something about his looks, because he gets a lot of interest, whether the nature of the interest is sexual or purely curiousity is open to discussion. He is unreliable and seems to have serious issues with time management and charging/looking after his phone. He has been on the dole for over six months and seems to show no interest in finding a job. He is a dead beat. But he's my old friend and I care about him. Similarly John is an obsessive, constantly contradicting himself. Seems to flit between weird eccentricity and squareness, and even sometimes actually gets in right sometimes (ofcourse when this happens he doesn't have an realisation). He can be emotionally manipulative and highly insecure/paranoid/hypocritical. On the other side of the coin, he's very supportive, generous at times, he hasa lust for exciting - if unconventional - experiences. He's loyal, honest and hardworking. Forgot to say he is is extreme and obsessed by showing people how "mad", insane and wacky he is. He also has the overriding conception that everything he does is better, superior to everything else, perhaps stemming from the insecurity he fills the need to compensate for what he perceives to be his own shortcomings. One more thing, I've noticed with Paul and Duncan, they seem to be elevated as his dear best friends, and sometimes I feel sidelined when they are there even if they are in the company of all their friends and I'm by myself.

The reason I've written all this character profiles down is because I'm only writing what was obvious already nobody is perfect. And people change and evolve, and sometimes friendships/relationships cannot withstand the strain of change, development, sometimes they can, sometimes you will not see someone for years. Enough time to give you perspective and reasses them when/if you are reconciled. But I do know, that I need a break from these two mates. With George I feel he brings me down, wastes my times, wastes his own and doesn't think anything of it. With John, the opposite, things are going great for him, I can see why he is so happy, but it feels when I'm around him it's his film and he's the direction, main actors, camera man make up woman, AD etc.etc., and I am just an extra in the background spinning in his wake. His confidence has grown as has his ego. I need to get used to the John changed, I need to accept that George is very fulfilled in his own way and as friend I shouldn't seek to change him merely accept him as he is. I need to be more selfish and focus on my own life. From now on, I'm reluctant to answer George's knee-jerk phonecalls when he feels bored, lonely, tired, or just needs company on the train home. I'm not going to go out of my way for John's house parties or gatherings, they just feeling like white men's club and I don't fit in with people like duncan and paul and his wife. Perhaps, I will spend less time with John for the time being until I have found my own feet and know that he's got a bit more stable and over the novelty of things actually working out.

7:56 p.m. - 2008-07-26


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