suicidebomb's Diaryland Diary


What's next for me?

Been smoking like a chimney the last few days. Perpetually refreshing my facebook, my email, looking for something to keep me occupied. Anything to push back the humdrum of finding a real job. Something I associate with settling down and drying up. Drying up has been a preoccupation for a while now. As I've observed friend after friend find a girl and settle down, and enter into happy passivity. Since the masters finished my social life hasn't been anywhere near as active as I'd like. I've been finding it hard to hang out with the camden lot. They want to go to places that don't excite me and take more and more drugs. A particular example is Olivier who just lives for the exact same thing he did five years ago. George who is happy to continue his life on the dole, and focus groups endlessly chasing a dream of musical recognition and eventual stardom. The other half have left, Jahed to Bangladesh and sporadic contact. John has made something great of his life and reassessed everything in South Africa. New job, new girlfriend, new country and new attitude. I get a tad envious at how things have improved so dramatically for him. Meanwhile, I see people like Jita and Adam who just drifted back into suburban life. Only a matter of time before they settle down into nice jobs and start having kids. On the one hand, they have the right attitude - i.e. do whatever it is that makes you feel happy, never mind everyone else. On the other, surely this can't be it, is that enough. You go into a restaurant and order the same dish every day, sometimes you venture out and experiment with a new dish, only to retreat to what you know and love. The list goes on and on. I need to know what I want, I want a sense of fulfillment away from the stagnation I'm experiencing. I'm young, ambitious and driven, I need something, someone to tap me. I'm thinking that after this month on the dole and bit jobs here and there to keep a steady income flow. Then South Africa to destress and move forward. Then what? The big travels. But before then I have six months to do what I like. I will avoid the George school of hanging out with my girlfriend's friends (not that I have one), etc etc etc. I need a job that will give me great experience, acquant me with people all the time, keeping me occupied but not exhausted. And also pay off what I need paying off. I have no idea where to go or what to do? I guess I have the weekend to enjoy myself, meet Kobi and friends on Sunday and then on Monday I will book an appointment with the careers office. But I've been through the motions with them. They said I need to try different experiences and jobs. So I guess chasing Kobi about that work experience would be a good idea. Facebook appeals fell on death ears. So I need to find a way to get the expeirence with BBH.

1:28 a.m. - 2008-10-18


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