suicidebomb's Diaryland Diary


Annoyed with my bloody self.

Dear Diary,

Yesterday was interesting. For the first time in a long time I managed to get female interest. Very obvious female interest. Admittedly she was drunk as a skunk. I flirted with her for a couple of hours, she was certainly relatively attractive. But when it came to actually doing something I couldn't bring myself to do it. In my head I keep making up excuses about why I didn't want her i.e. no bed to sleep in, john being weird about her, and so forth. But the bottom line is that I was afraid I wouldn't be able to get it up, petrified in fact. It's been ages since I had a girl, even kissed a girl. When I did I had a girl who was supremely confident and basically did all the work for me, at least that's how it felt. I do want to give things a try with girls. Another part of the problem was straight-up I didn't fancy her. She didn't have any defining features and she was about 30. Anyway, John pissed me off, by doing the whole 'I want to go now' stunt, so I said goodbye to everyone in the room only to put my coat back on the floor and make myself look a bit foolish...[fast forward to the next day] I get a call from John telling me he spent the night with Eliza. I think it was a bit cheep of him, but hey I wouldn't have got with a girl who was passed up by my mate. I guess they both just wanted a shag. It made me realised I don't need a alcohol to get laid. This year I've had more fun with girls- Agnes, Eliza- than I did in over two years at QM- and it's stil February. What can I say I enjoy flirting with girls, but can I take it further?


6:20 p.m. - 2008-02-24


Being Single.

Getting me down :*-(

10:46 a.m. - 2008-02-18


Valentine's day by myself.

Dear Diary,

I feel a bit depressed that I have never shared Valentine's Day with anyone and even more depressed I don't have a partner of sorts. I'm doing my utmost to balance my academic work with a social life where I can constantly meet new people. Certainly, more exposure than I've ever had before. Doesn't help though, when dad will throw in the inappropriate comment about my appearance/situation. Things are even more complex because by my age, my parents were married. I haven't even had a serious relationship. I know there's no rush, but I feel relieved that I'm not a virgin, gay or straight. But still I need to get me some. I know how to get sex on the gay side of things. But feel very insecure about my relative insecurity with women. Moreover, none of the women that come my way turn me on. This could lead to some very embarrassing situations. Agnes is more attractive to me than Fransceca, that's for sure. Atleast in the personality stakes. But she's in a long-term relationship. Oh well, I'm doing the best I can, and the wait will pay off.


8:41 p.m. - 2008-02-14


Toughen up and be a man.

Dear Diary,

I've come to accept that I need to get over all the Henar/Franscesca bullshit. Part of my annoyance was the feeling that I was being rejected without actually having made an advance from both. In Franscesca's case it was the theatre trip. Here, I only asked her to the theatre as a nice gesture, a curiousity thing to see if there was any chemistry. Within 5 minutes of me asking she very vocally invited Ronan. I was upset because I didn't get a look-in, but maybe from her perspective it was the politest way to make things clear - she wasn't interested in me, at least not in that way. In the case of Henar, she was relentless in her nastiness. I guess I can see why Ronan would find it delicious and indulge in her cruelty. Henar cut me down to the size of a poodle in bulldog's clothes by referring to me as 'the J--', not content with one assault then in class very vocally laughed at me and then told the teacher that she was 'just laughing at j--' what a complete kick in the balls, then the constant smirking like I was a court jester there for her entertainment. I think I had the last laugh with Henar coz i removed her from my facebook and told her why are you always smirking. I think its all quite funny and I suppose in some way I opened myself up to it. Never mind. I'm here to learn and I don't think I'm Mr. Everything. Nor do I really I care what two girls think of me. I can only do my best. No point in sitting and analysing why they poked fun of me but just reflect and move on. Or else I'll kill my brain with analysis.


9:30 p.m. - 2008-02-05



Dear diary,

I think its the read win that brings out my emotions. It harks back to being sixteen and drunk on the cheapest gin imagineable. Meanwhile, being picked on by a group of boys I'd come into trouble with at school. Never mind that this we over six years ago now. The people have changed but the situation is the exact same. These people are nice and honest, you must get over this paranoia before it causes you bigger problems.


9:22 a.m. - 2008-02-02


butt of the joke.

sometimes people laugh at you,
ridicule is hard to stand,
but the bigger man can laugh at themselves,
because nobody's perfect,
nothing worse than a somone who takes themselves to seriously,
they always become the ultimate joke.

1:10 p.m. - 2008-01-20


More annoyance with lana.

Dear Diary,

I got annoyed with Lana today for asking for help, it started off with a simple request and then it escalated to a full-scale shout-off. I'm annoyed because even at my worst stage at QM I was never so badly organised as she is, and yet managed to be so laid back and blas� about the whole thing. It sometimes feels like she expects her essays and life to be written for her as she wants it, when she wants it. Ofcourse this can never be the case. I shouldn't have responded by shouting but should clearly explain to her that she's a big girl now and she should be more organised and have better time-management. I am willing to help her with her essay, but I can't remember the essay that well and therefore the advise I can give is limited. But for me to help her, she needs to help herself. She needs to stop mixing up issues to patronise and offend people, today she said 'enough with the gay shit' your such a 'geek'. She is just venting off her frustration on me because she feels helpless and her attitude needs to change and the princess mentality is going to grind to a halt.


9:06 p.m. - 2008-01-10


Annoyance with kobi/lana/general indifference.

Dear Diary,

Not the best end to 2007 but what can you do? I just lost my temper with lana for constantly being on the phone and not actually seeming to "respect" or give importance to her family life except with it suits her. Similarly, Ban spoke to me about Kobi the other week and I stand by what I said and I must learn to have conviction in what I do. The most horrifying revelation is that he had assumed I'd done the same to Ban. Odd. EDIT- I'm still feeling pissed off about this. I pulled out my friendship circle and remembered I've already been through this. I guess what I am experiencing is pain due to the fact that these are two friends who came before I had changed and I realise I am losing them, so in my head my accelerating the process I can get closure. With regards to Kobi, I feel the wishy-washiness and general apathy because a final insult. I also felt like he was cornering me, by not being straight-up and then I would be cast as the hasty, irrational one. It's definitely time to say goodbye, I want to move on naturally but these constant annoying texts/messages kept coming through and they came across as insincere. Whereas, atleast with Osama I know the score and he doesn't mess me around with bullshit. Now, I've got the chance to change things and I have a great set of friends.


1:21 p.m. - 2007-12-31


jealousy of sam and realisation dawns.

Dear Diary,

It's time to move on from Sam. Sitting yesterday talking to Ban, I realised that I've got things wrong. So bloody wrong. Almost choked on my white wine. How awful. Basically, in my head I've deluded myself for 3 years into thinking Sam is into me. Now it's dawned upon me that I've got it wrong and he really doesn't. I guess this feeling started before I had the common sense to realise otherwise. Oh dear. I based this assumption on the (i) towel/magazine incident (ii) i think he's fit (iii) he's touched me a few times and he's generally touchy-feely. God is that all the evidence I have? Pathetic or what. I feel like shit now, in my head, I was so convinced something would happen. Than Ban goes and tells me she is pretty certain he is gay BUT! he's really into some guy from his town. How depressing? It feels like such a fucking rejection cos I was open with him and he's not open with me. Additionally, that generally I'm just so into him and he seems to show no interest in me (in the way I want). This is so traumatising, how will I ever surmount this humiliation. I feel sad. Ban basically confirmed everything that was obvious i.e. he's blatantly gay, he's beautiful looking, he's special, he's unique, he's one in a million. I felt a bit jealous and resentful. Anyway, today made me realise there is fuck-all i can do about him. He refuses to acknowledge his sexuality, but also he's obviously not into me. I can preserve a friend from this and I should be a stronger character and not feel so threatened by his beauty. Anyway, it's all out now.


10:54 p.m. - 2007-12-29



Dear Diary,

What a rubbish Christmas day. As usual parents were at each other throats. I acted like a complete twat by picking up on small comments, and making an mountain out of a mole-hill. As a consequence, Lana completely used me as a scapegoat. Other than that, I've been mulling over and analaysing Dan the Man and Henar's actions. I guess I can't please everyone and with these two there just isn't chemistry and there is no point in going out of my way any more (not that I have been much). I just keep getting images of them laughing at me echoeing around my head. Fuck it, there is little I can do. I'm also looking forward to getting the damned belt and probably jacket from Harrods and closing that chapter for good. Tired of people saying I dress like an academic/geek etc, so that needs to be fixed up having said that it is impossible in the winter not too look a bit geeks because what else is there to wear but loads of layers. Also the glasses will soon be gone I feel. Thank God for that.

2:39 p.m. - 2007-12-26


What a shit tuesday...

Dear Diary,

I hate those days when very little gets done and it's noone's fault but myself. SHIT! I got up early this morning sat around the computer doing sweet fuck all. Then later, I had a god at my friend George down the phone. Then I went to the gym and tried to get some library stuff in. It all was a fucking waste of time. Then I tried to buy some new clothes, Found some great stuff. Suppose that's some consellation. Now I need the money to get all this shit and then I can move forward!


9:07 p.m. - 2007-12-18


Franscesca's rejection.

Dear Diary,

I'm feeling very hurt this morning about Francesca pulling out of going to the theatre. In my head, I'm already getting those stock hardfeeling thoughts. But at the end of the day, I was actually planning on seeing how it goes. I guess when she invited Ronan, as John clearly stated, it made the lines clear. I'm sad because I've been the best host I could be, but at the same time, just because someone is a good host it doesnt mean that they are necessarily going to be interested in you. Oh well. I'm trying to remember exactly what the book says about dealing with rejection. Something along the lines of everyone has a criteria, I might have been "too fat, too tall, too quiet, too thin, too short etc. etc.", but at the end of the day, you can only be yourself. There is only so much I can change and I can't be someone else for anyone else. Just like Fran was "too quiet, too shy, too chubby, and too insecure", and in the end too narrow-minded. Anyway, what's done is done, it's rejection and suffering that makes us who we are.

8:38 a.m. - 2007-12-16


George getting on my tits.

Dear Diary,

My friend George is really starting to piss me off. Firstly, I'm glad to have good friends, and it would be a shame to have to say goodbye to any friends I've carried this far. However, let me make it clear that is not my intention. But the whole daily phone calls thing is really getting to me. If I don't know him better, I'd think he was obsessive. But because I do know him, I realise it's just his own loneliness, neediness and general instability. I have to draw a line to demonstrate that although I am a good friend, the daily talks were we sit and reminisce and nostaligize about qm are starting to grate. I said to him do we need to talk about Jita and Adam and he said there's nothing else to talk about. So let's do something apart from sit in a fucking caf� nero everytime we meet. Or more precisely why don't you do something purposeful with you life? You've let yourself go- and it's quite sad to watch someone really stop giving a fuck. It reminds me of Jita. Anyway, now those feelings are inscribed I can say, that I need to push George away a bit cos he gets too much. There is no other way of dealing with this and I do realise that when you start pushing someone away- sooner or later they will move on but there is no other option. Simply because its not a natural situation whereby someone has friendships by proxy because (a) they don't save there money and use there own credit (b) they are reluctant to spend any money leaving their home (c) they don't have any other friends.


11:36 p.m. - 2007-12-10


Here we go again (he's friendless, penniless and utterly hopeless)

Dear Diary,

Today I got depressed over the most painful thing. While in class for Modern Literary Theory, all my friends neglected me and left me on the margins like the perverts we discussed in class. I turned around to not one smile, the one that did speak to me had hardly anytime to make proper discussions and when she did my jokes are weak and she turned away in disgust. What's a boy to do in such a situation?


6:08 p.m. - 2007-12-05


56/100..and down goes the gauntlet.

Dear Diary,

Today was not the best day. It was - in fact - a very annoying day. Firstly, I didn't sleep well. Secondly, it happened to be a fucking friday where I have 6 hours of lectures. And thirdly, I got back my result for my comparative literature essay for translation studies. An astonishing 55%-56% no less! In my own defence, I haven't written an essay for over 6 months. It was the first essay for this course. I wasn't exactly committed to doing my best. Nonetheless, I still hoped to get over 60% at the very least. The general criticism was that it was a bit-all-over the shop, Theo described it "like a young puppy pointing its head in many diferent directions". Anyway, what's done is done and I'm not exactly depressed about it cos I can take it up a grade for next time certainly. But it's still distressing when I look to both sides of me and I see a 65 and an 80. Helene seemed genuinely disappointed with her result(!). The bottom line is I've got to work much harder - that's all.


6:14 p.m. - 2007-11-23


A day of surprises.

Dear Diary,

Today was a very surprising day. I was sitting with my friend John in the park and he told me about his German friend Martin. Apparently, Martin is gay, which did not come as a big surprise. However, Martin had made an quasi advance on John. John said he had told him that he thought he was very 'special' and John concluded that Martin was interested. This was a shocking development not because of Martin being gay but because John then told me that he was "interested to see what would happen". I always had John down as someone who was confused but not about his sexuality. I asked him if he was attracted to men, his response was quite vague and along the lines of "well, not really, but...&c. &c. &c.". In hindsight, this indicates things are conflicting in his head. I'm surprised that John has been so candid about the whole thing. But also the fact I didn't detect the chemistry. I just thought John was a shy guy in general. I quite fancied Martin myself which is a bit problematic. I'll be interested to see where exactly this goes. I told John that "straight or gay; he's still remains my friend". I suppose it is a little awkward esp. considering how badly he took jahed's response and the fact he's had the chance to get with a few girls and is more interested in martin. I won't analyse it any further but wait to hear what happens from him directly. Another shocker came in the form of Anthony dating Desserrai, but good for him.

Additionally, I noticed today I went into a little tirade against Lana saying that she was "having problems with her friends", this was uncalled for and unfounded and - simply - none of my business. I wish I could take it back as I don't know the full facts and I wouldn't like her talking about me in that way. Anyway, what's done is done.

11:17 p.m. - 2007-11-21


Nothing major.

Dear Diary,

Things are quite good with me, I have my moments certainly. But with weather like London's what really can you do about it? I wish thing were less extreme i.e. social versus academic side of things, but I have to make the most of this year. Work comes first. I was dissappointed to hear that JWT had turned me down (with no feedback either, which is annoying). But to be honest - at this moment in time - I don't think they were right for me. My writing is much better, I'm more confident. The pilates and abs classes are great I hope to continue for a few months. I've stopped picking my skin. Additionally, I've finally begun to let go of the past. That's all for now.


3:39 p.m. - 2007-11-19


Don't catastrophise or personalise.

Dear diary, I removed Kobi from my facebook account cos I started to feel uncomfortable with him contacting me that way if at all. I felt I had to push him away because it seems like he can't let go. I don't think I will regret this decision because I won't be seeing him again anytime soon.

11:35 a.m. - 2007-10-29


Improving my mentality

Dear Diary,

I got a bit panicky about what I said about Ali but more because I worried that Sam will not be my friend anymore. This led to an outpour of latent feelings for Sam. Christ, this is messy. But I used the 'Feeling Good Book' and it helped me. It made me realise there is no point in feeling guilty, regret and whatever else. Simply, because I know that what I did was based on my experience of A. and also that I have every right to express an opinion. I never intended for it to get back to him but seeing as it has there is little I can do. Anyway, I shan't be dwelling anymore cos what's done is done. Also, considering not doing group therapy cos I'd rather spend the time is societies and so forth actually making real friend rather than psycho-analysing my life.

8:16 p.m. - 2007-10-24



Dear Diary,

This post was originally to be about Ali, my former friend who would always manipulate and use people are him. However, it's going to actually be about me. Yesterday was important because even though it was not my intention to hurt anyone's feelings. I'm glad I said what I said, if you feel strongly about something or the way someone behaves you have a right to let off steam and express your own opinion. If you are going to say something about someone make sure it's something you actually feel rather than a spur of the moment passing comment. I don't like how Osama seems to always tell things that other people who be descreet about, but then ali is a gossip towards everyone, it's not discriminatory. At the end of it, the response of calling me a twat of facebook suggests he doesn't address his problems in an adult way and instead lets his temper get the better of him. Anyway, I am sad to close any friendship, but it's for the best. Unlike any of the one's before this one's a bit of a no-brainer.


5:06 p.m. - 2007-10-18


Reflections from today's counselling session.

Dear Diary,

Today's session with Zio was much better than last week's one. Things we discussed were my tendency to personalise things.

4:09 p.m. - 2007-10-11


Things I would like to buy so I can stop worrying about money and enjoy my life to the fullest.

1. Shirt from Ralph Lauren unless it is too big. �100.00

2. Vintage peacoat either from Camden market or Gap. �100.00

3. Adidas Sambas. �40.00

4. APC bag. �90.00

5. Books, Mini Post-it notes. �20.00.

5. Jewellery. �4.00.

6. Gym. �140.00.

4:30 p.m. - 2007-09-15


Feel like shit.

Dear Diary,

Today my dad made a comment about me having few friends, he said "you have few friends" or something along those lines. It triggered off a terrible reaction about the taunts my family used to make about me not having friends. I realise how ridiculous it is to still feel like this, but it seems childish and ignorant to make assumptions about my life when they can only see me in a negative light. The more pressure they apply the less happy I feel. I'm glad I will be able to have counselling in two weeks to resolve these matters and deal with them effectively. I do not intend to move out but I've got to deal with these silly passing comments better than I currently am.

10:51 p.m. - 2007-09-13



Dear Diary,

Tomorrow at 2am I leave my house to Luton and from there to Riminni in Italy for a break with sand, sea and sun. I'm going to enjoy myself on this break and relax the hell out. It feels like such a long time since I last had a proper holiday and this will be the one. There is only a few more items I've promised myelf I'll buy and they are...a peacoat, lumberjacket and finalyl adidas Samba. These should set me up for a good while and after they have all been bought I am going to start enjoying my life.

7:05 p.m. - 2007-08-24


Sad midnight headaches.

Dear Diary,

I don't know what precipitates these sad depressive spells. They keep me awake at night. I can remember having them for a long time. My mind starts working over time about things I neither care about nor have any bearing upon me. The most scary thing is the constant notion that I can't separate fantasy from reality. The best response to these thoughts is that the mind is a very powerful thing, it can blur boundaries, invert truths and turn a world upside down. It's human nature to want to believe everything is as you want it to be. However, the stronger person should accept reality and deal with it in the best way they know how. Things that happened many years ago still haunt me, but I am a different person now. A different person in another context. I will let go of the past and truly forgive. This means forgiving Jita for the things she's done, whether I can prove it or not. Forgive Kobi for messing me around. Forgive Yasmin for ditching me as a friend when I felt so alone. Forgive Ned and Sophie for not remaining my friends when I had no one to turn to. Most of all forgive myself for mistakes I made, considerable though they were, they are in the past and I am only human. Mistakes must be made for someone to learn from them. All this anger must go now, so I can become a new person. This year has been tough, but I never wanted an easy ride. Being tough and strong is a good thing. But also being able to forgive means happiness and closure. Nobody's perfect, it's time to move on. QM was a great learning curve and now I'm being given another challenge at UCL. No more lists of improvements, merely enjoying my life and doing my best. These sleepless nights will end.

1:29 a.m. - 2007-08-02


When fed up with a person.

Dear Diary,

Everything is going well and I'm pleased the weight is dropping off. I've already found some decent jeans, a coat &c. I also feel I'm getting closure on Jita and Kobi. When I ask myself why I feel bitter towards them. With Jita, it has to be said I think we are too different and she makes me feel paranoid. With regards to Kobi, I felt very insulted he deleted my comments, didn't turn up when he had arranged to meet up with me, also that he is always blas� and rude with me, finally that he sucks people in. I've decided rather than speaking to Ban about it, the best thing is to distance myself, I don't think it will be too apparent because we're all drifting apart anyway. If someone makes you feel insecure about who you are and what role you have in their lives than the best thing is to leave it at that. I don't want to feel bitter or angry anymore, over things I can't know. I can't read minds, but things are looking up and I'm spending more time with people like me.
I need to get over it when someone acts like an arsehole, whats the point in feeling like shit about something you cant help.

10:56 p.m. - 2007-07-26



no more offending people on facebook, offensive try-hard funny comments. sometimes simplicity is best.

12:56 a.m. - 2007-07-26


New Diet Regime.

Dear Diary,

This is a new regime that will be in operation as of tomorrow:

1. No desserts i.e. no chocolate, no cake, no sugary sweets &c.

2. More protein based i.e. less bread, less potatoe, less oily products &c.

3. Generally eat less.

4. More healthy options if you are hungry i.e. fruit and fish etc.

5. Proper cardi 10/15 minutes every morning: resistance training.

6. 40 crunches every morning.

11:28 p.m. - 2007-07-18



Dear Diary,

My my its been a while since i last posted. A barrage of events have taken over my life. A lot of good news and a lot of developments: some good, some bad but all interesting, I'm sure. Decided to stop talking to Jita, which I'm starting to realise was the best decision and also have become quietly more assertive with other friends. Time can sort out things or so I have realised. I think if me and Jita don't become friends again its for the best, because I wasn't happy with the way things were. As for O and K, I've realised that saying "no" isnt the end of the world because they only want company because they are bored shitless with daniel. I'm not there to entertain them so if I'm busy, made other plans or just plain not in the mood, thats not my problem.

7:50 p.m. - 2007-07-16


Reordering a life.

The following changes need to be made:-

1. Organisation.

2. Time Management.

3. Being laid back.

4. No more confabulation.

5. No more short-cuts.

6. No more bitching (unless its funny).

7. Cut down on gossiping.

8. More assertive.

9. No over-analysing.

10. Being decisive.

11. Gregarious, sociable.

12. No rules or theories.

13. Honesty.

14. No using, abusing or taking advantage.

15. No paranoia.

16. Reality testing.

17. Hard working.

18. Cut down on A-class drugs.

19. Arts and culture.

20. Pushing yourself as far as you can go, doing your best. 21. No more bloody dodginess, shop-lifting, deceipts.

10:34 a.m. - 2007-05-30


Playing on my mind.

Dear Diary,

I know it shouldn't matter and I shouldn't overanalyse as my friends keep telling me. But, I think I know where things are going to go with Kate and Oli now. I don't know why it keeps haunting me. But I am prepared to put the ghost and rest. The reason it's playing on my mind so much is because I've not known anything else for five or six years pretty much and I'm about to engage in some of the biggest changes I've known thus far. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I've moved on somewhere else now. The friendships are very important to me but it feels like it's time to go to the next chapter. I don't know what will happen when (if they haven't already returned), but I guess what will be, will be. The most important thing to me is that we remain good friends and there are no hard feelings. Going all the way to Archway or Camden Town to keep someone company is no longer working for me. Guess it obviously means a lot to me as much as I might repress it.


2:17 p.m. - 2007-05-17


shit im obsessed.

dear diary,

today i realized i'm obsessed by jita, not in a sexual way or amorous way. but everything she does seems ot get on my nerves. I go off on one over-analysing things that are so petty. This keep happening and now I have to pay attention to myself to prevent it from happening again. This time it doesn't have to be like ned and sophie where i lost two perfectly good friends because i didnt deal with things in the best way. so from now on, i'm just going to focus on my life, and stop bothering others. some of the things jita says are true, and yes, she can be rude and inconsiderate. It is frustrating to be around when someone just ignores you, picks at everything you say, and criticises you constantly.

10:45 p.m. - 2007-05-12


Incredibly emotional.

Dear Diary,

The last two days have been very hard work. Keep working myself into a frenzy and acting weird, feeling unhappy and self-conscious. The last 6 months have been the most intense, I had a job, I quit a job, got rubbish results back, decided to change the way I lived my life. Decided to organise my life out and grow up. People around me changed, my identity changed. Just over a week and things will be better, I will be happier.

10:50 p.m. - 2007-05-11


Feeling bleurgh..

Dear Diary,

Bloody assignments will never see an end. Constantly, snapping at people, acting neurotic. Soon it will be over and I can start to enjoy my life once again. Think of it as 2 hurdles in the race to finishing. Got to keep doing my best and pushing myself. Firstly, I need to get my life back on track if I am ever to focus again. Decided going to the gym would certainly make a nice change. Plus I restarted my subscription with DVD rentals. So that I can catch up on all the movies that I have missed in the last 5 years. I've been thinking seriously about whether I am to take this M.A. or not. On the plus-side it's all fine until your reach April and the pressure starts rising. However, if I do decided to go ahead and do it, my time management should be spot on. Plus I can continue with my counselling, see the Royal Literary Fund whenever I need help. Sure it's not going to help me get a better job, but it will allow me to read more good books and learn more about myself.


9:16 a.m. - 2007-04-28


Time to move on for good.

Dear Diary,

After two years of overanalysing, revisiting, and theorizing it has occurred to me that I've got to stop obsessing over things that shouldn't matter. I think I keep the failures in my head to motivate me so that I know I won't feel the same again. In reality, there is no way of avoiding failures and although you can reduce their occurence greatly by doing your best. It helps you to form your identity, suffering that is. In any case, it's time to put a few ghosts to rest. It doesn't matter why people do what they do, but it doesn't change how you feel. So it's goodbye to Alex, Adam, Ismael and so on.

10:31 a.m. - 2007-04-20


disappointment is hard. (stewarding job)

Dear Diary,

Today I felt sad because within a few hours of my job interview as a steward I was emailed and told I hadn't been selected. It made me feel like shit, I know it's not the end of the world. But I wish this gloomy cloud would not hover over me any longer. I feel like I've been dealt all the wrong cards. I musn't blame myself but only hope things will pick up. I remember in the "spending time in the loo" I read that quote that has since stayed with me. Namely, "depressions is the product of a repetition of negative outcomes", negative outcome after outcome I must keep fighting. If I give up now, I will definitely fail. What's done is done.


10:27 p.m. - 2007-03-28


Problems with Rupert.

Dear Diary,

Only when things are repeated enough times do I retain them. Today, I made a decision to change driving instructor from Rupert. Increasingly it had been hard to work with him. There was that old friend reappearing again "Sometimes people don't get along. Just because someone has a great track record for getting along with everyone and being complimented on there style. It does not necessarily mean you will get along with them." . I agree. That is all. So now I have a new instructor, Nick.


2:52 p.m. - 2007-03-12


In hindsight...

Dear Diary,

I feel very embarrassed of how I have acted in the last year or so i.e. being obsessive over the fact JM had changed. Many friends told me I was being over-dramatic and weird about it. I guess I got paranoid about how she was acting and thought it would take a similar turn to events in the past i.e. Ned & Sophie, Yasmin, and so on. It's a fear of mine that I'll make a mistake and will lose a friend I reallt value. I felt annoyed cos increasingly I felt she was chopping me out and there was no clear announcement, I also felt annoyed cos I thought I occupied more space in her life than I really did. I feel I've done some damage to the way other people view me but what's done is done. I can only learn from my mistakes and hope I deal with things like this better in the future. I think the seeds were sown two years ago and there was little I really could have done to change things.It pissed me off that she would call me to arrange things and then she would turn up very late or not at all or be rude/snappy for the entire duration. For me that's the biggest disrespect. But I don't think it's a power game and I won't treat it like that. I admit I haven't called her recently at all, what will be, will be!

For future reference, if someone is wasting my time I should confront them then and there casually. If they do it a few times in a row


10:20 p.m. - 2007-03-11


March Update.

Dear Diary,

Things are looking brighter and brighter. Things with J.M. appear to be getting better. Getting along with O better, even though increasingly at this moment in time I need to study. I finally feel like I'm getting back and I've stopped analysing things quite so much and started to get on with things. In an ideal world I could have another 6 months worth of councilling just to close that whole episode but I'm glad with what I had. Went to a party and made friends and didn't feel quite so embarrassed with how I acted. Also, doing a lot of refiling in my head.

That's all for now!


9:00 p.m. - 2007-03-08


Ration and reason, sympathies and antipathies

Dear Diary,

The J.M. situation is reaching a head. I've made mistakes but at the same time after a year of yo-yo-ing friendship, at this moment I feel I would really like to close this chapter and move on. Everytime, we meet up I'm forced to consider every little thing I've done and how it's upset poor little jita. Enough's enough, you need to grow and up and say what you think and mean what you say. Conclusion is I'm taking my time and putting my priorities first. That's all..It's not harsh, you have to do what is right for you.


10:08 a.m. - 2007-02-19


Feeling bad.

Dear diary,

Eights months later, I must accept that things with me and Jita have changed. I've found myself getting depressive and obsessive over something that is out of my hands. I kept saying to myself it was her. But for the sake of decency and civility I have to let go now or else lose my friend on bad terms. Tired of argueing over silly things. It's not right to drag this out any longer. Instead of viewing myself as constantly falling out with people and making enemies. View it like this rather. That I have to do what is right for me, if someone does something wrong I must take my time and look at the circumstances and do what is right for me without malice or disregard. I have been bitchy sometimes for silly reasons, only looking back on things I've said do I realise this. But my mistakes are making silly off-handed comments made in passing for the sake of conversation. I've stopped analysing people and started looking at hard facts. I can be jealous and threatened, I know this, nobody's perfect and who wants to be anyway. But I rarely do things to smite someone or out of vindication. This is how I live my life. I've done a bit of growing up and feel the need to increasingly assert my will. I've done this through not having tunnel vision and seeking education through everything. To return to my topic, the best thing is to leave it for the time-being. I've said this many times before, but I don't think either of us care anymore. Nothing to lose anymore.


8:20 p.m. - 2007-02-15


not ideal feelings to be having.

Dear Diary,

Feeling a bit low today, shit happens. I'm trying not to overanalyse and focus on my work more than ever. I've made so much progress, why screw it up already?

Things that I want to change now:

1. Stop my infatuation with Alex- you can't stop feelings I realise, but if they are evidently unrequitted you owe it to yourself to find someone who does like you in the way you want.

2. Adam/Olly obsession has to end, you are from a completely different world- it would be hard to understand them and for them to understand you. Even if it can only be a mutual beneficient, they don't care. Get. Over. It.

3. Jita- things have changed get used to it. Adapt and adopt.

4. Just chill out and stop overanalysing, you're having a bad day.


8:38 p.m. - 2007-02-11


Things I want to do.

1. Have a strong, great image for 2007: this can be achieved by reading lots of books, isolating images I like from art books and asking for advise. Work hard during days so that I can go out in the evening- this is the best policy.

2. I finally found products that work for me after three years of trying lots of useless tosh. So I will eventually buy ultra-light moisteriser and a fruit scrub, the Kiehl's samples work very well, however this might be because I apply them properly. Label M- matte paste works wonders. Comme Des Garcons 2 is great, would love to have 2 man and Gucci pour hommes. Not to be greedy or anything. Contact lenses on order, need to find stinking glasses which have gone AWOL.

3. I'm getting regular eating and social habits, which means I'm less irritable and more attentive.

4. I'm making new friends everywhere I go and cementing these friendships as soon as I can.

5. I say exactly what I want and negotiate things.

6. I'm just as impulsive however I think things through before I act and take my time to think it through properly as was seen with Ish and Max.*


*After long deliberation, I decided that it would be in my 'interests' to be friends with Ish. This is using someone however, when you have been used in a way the onyl way to get closure is to get something in recompense for your experience. This will work out in my favour, hopefully. Not sure what to do about Rachel- taking is as it comes- play it day by day.

2:23 p.m. - 2007-02-10



Dear diary,

Today I quite my job at Liberty's, or I should say I resigned on the part that it was too demanding with my study work load. It felt good to do 'what was right for me'. I also believe I have made enough to last me for a while. Get the stuff I need (!):- like a decent winter coat, wallet, jewellery (!!) and so forth. I also think it gave me a good kick up the arse to start working again. I'm more organised than I have ever been and more efficient. I want to become more laid back and relaxed. I always feel on edge. Things are improving though. The counselling is resumed although only after a long hiatus. I also sorted myself out with a new phone and invested in presents for my mother and sister. So it's alright actually. The Manifesto I wrote for 2007 is being realised bit by bit. I need to be more assertive, not overanalysing so much, doing what is right for me, constantly expanding my social circle. And so forth. Getting there.

8:41 p.m. - 2007-01-28


2007's manifesto

Let's call this the 'year of no fear'. I'm going to finally start taking risks with my life, I'm 21 now this is what I intend.

1. Be confident and say what you want, be socially assertive and strong. Do not be afraid to say what you think, if you really believe in it.

2. Continue with your counselling to refile your head while you can.

3. No more drugs, unless in moderation. No more greens, no more coke. I don't need these anymore.

4. Socially network- make a new friend everywhere you go.

5. Make jokes- find joy, go out more.

6. Work hard- strong ethos, it's your last year. Have a go at everything, don't be a defeatist.

7. Improve relations with family.

8. Sort out issue of sexuality.

9. Butch up and be the man you finally feel you are inside.

10. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

11. Communicate more effectively.

That is all.


10:38 p.m. - 2007-01-12


Uncertain about things.

Dear diary,

Jita-gate crops up again. Is this to do with having too much time on my hands. I mean if I list the things about her that get to me they are:-

1. Being cold and unfriendly in front of her friends.

2. Hanging up on me and being vague constantly.

3. Oh what does it matter.

The long and short of it, is I've had enough. This is now my final decision. Selina told me nothing is final and I shouldn't just make a decision in my head that we are no longer friends. But look at it from a positive perspective i.e. we've both changed a lot over the last three years and ofcourse the friendship will be altered. This is how I'm feeling. Even though I musn't get things blurred this all mirrors what happened with Arafat, who has some similar characteristics to Jita. The mature response is to just leave it and get on with the things that matter most. I know her well enough to know that she wants to get a reaction and some things she does intentionally. But the wise person will not sink to the bait. So from now on I will do what I feel from my gut and that will be all. It's not fair to waste people's time, to lie constantly and be nebulous about things. I need to move on from all this rubbish.


10:34 p.m. - 2007-01-12


Year summation.

Dear Diary,

What an eventful year I have had. Some moments good, some bad, but never boring. Finally, feel I have started to grow up and the way I pereceive the world around me changing. Things will only get better and better. I'm go to draw up my new manifesto for change after I have considered what exactly needs to be done. 2007 is already shapeing up to be the year of action and no procrastination. But it remains to be seen if I can achieve something, after 2 years of stagnation.

5:01 p.m. - 2006-12-24


Would get by with a little help from my friends.

Dear Diary,

I feel very upset because none of my friends invite me out at all. I feel lonely and quite isolated. It hurts because I make an effort a lot and there is very little feedback. Especially with Kate, who is so blas� with me it's quite ridiculous, Jita who simply does not give a shit anymore, George who only calls when he wants something, Ali worse still doesn't bother at all, Syd who is always too busy to see me, Sam who only has time when he's single, Olivier who is not in the country. I guess it feels a bit shit. But I'm not going to be a defeatist, I know I'm not perfect but God knows I do my best. I'm going to find more decent friends who treat me proper. Onwards and upwards.

10:01 p.m. - 2006-11-24


Mobile Phone Entries.

1- Maison Martin Marghiela..

2- Always be specific- not vague and explain how soon you need a response. To avoid annoyance..

3- -3.00 and -2.25, 8.40..

4- Apply to Cambridge..

5- 23 cavendish Road..

6- Cat Song - Damien Moyel..

7- RP f300 Technics

8- Andy kershaw Radio 3 Daniel Baranboine Reeth Lectures.

9- JDL Malone Coat Basic Black wool 48 -279

9:03 p.m. - 2006-11-22


Myspace/Facebook Holiday.

Let's see how long I can last.

7:37 p.m. - 2006-11-22


Moving on.

Dear Diary,

Mania has taken hold in my efforts to avoid actually getting down and doing some hard work, that is long overdue. I look at Adam, Olly and all the others and I see how at the same age, they seem to have there lives so sorted. I know it's not a competition and again not everything is always what it seems. But yet I feel so inadequate. I look at there MySpace profile which I must say are only what they want you to see and it makes me unhappy. The best thing is for me to move on from Adam, it's pathetic I have only met him once- I had a one night stand and I am still completely obsessed by him. I need to get a grip and sort my life out. Step by step, day by day.

7:22 p.m. - 2006-11-22



Dear diary,

I guess the whole Jita things reminds me of my friendships with Hannah/Jo and that's why I am reacting in this way to it. However, this is a completely different situation with a completely different person. I also think this whole not going to pick up the phone thing revenge thats going on in my head is bullshit. In effect, it's time for a long break for me to sort this out in my head, I shouldn't over-analyse things so much and get paranoid, presume stuff. Even if I think Jita is unreliable and lets me down a lot, the onyl possible consequence is to adapt to that.

That is all.

8:29 p.m. - 2006-11-17


Dealing with interpersonal issues.

Dear Diary,

Got very frustrated today with Jita. She always promises and gives me her word she will do things, only to cancel at my at the last minute. The long and short of it is this makes me very upset because I have always made a big effort to attend anything she has organised. Instead of following my impulse and getting angry/upset. The best way to deal with this is to just allow it. It's not fair and it's not very honourable, especially if she knew how much it meant to me. But I guess I expected this. However, this won't discourage me and I won't let it ruin my night. What's done is done.

8:52 p.m. - 2006-11-16


Feeling lonesome tonight.

Dear Diary,

All my friends have relationships or love interests but I am by myself. I wish I had someone to care for, instead of having to have make-pretend relationships in my head. The only way I can meet someone is to actually go out. Haven't been able to go on the scene since I decided to finish with Ish. I will give Matthieu a text and hopefully he will let me go out with him this weekend. Must cheer up!

4:39 p.m. - 2006-11-11


Maureen tid bits.

Credibility usually comes from respected critics, industrry types and fellow musicians i.e. people who are supposed to 'know what they're talking about' saying that you're good. This either then translates into huge sales or the more usual path of being a niche artist. It's amusing that you feel Lily's looks (or lack thereof) lend her extra credibility, because some would argue that a) she's quite attractive and b) she's not remotely credible.

In my opinion, credibility is an over-rated concept and can be an albatross round an artist's neck. It also seems to annoy people who can't see further than the end of their nose and accept that something they don't like has been one of the major success stories of the year.

10:38 a.m. - 2006-10-25


final jita update...

Dear Diary,

Things have been getting stranger and stranger yet with Jita. She sends me bizarre messages saying things like:-

"Ive been terrible 2u the last few weeks. Some strange things have been happenin. Im really sorry. X"

and wierder still..

"I just wanted you to know its not u. lifes good, just some unexpected things thats all. I want u 2know tho that our friendship is so valuable to me tho i dnt always get time 2 show it."

As odd and out of the blue these messages are, they directly mirror the sort of messages I used to send, I am not sure as to whether this is intentional to "get me back" so to speak. Or she actually doesn't want to talk about things and thats why she is being cryptic and speaking in riddles. I am also afraid she knows about "you know what".

Either way whatever the case is I feel uncomfortable if it is the former I no longer want her as my friend because she is not responsible for meting out justice to us, if it is the latter. I have seen her 'avenge' people in her own way, which is harmless but slightly frieghtening that she thinks she has a right to do it. On the other hand, it allows me to see things from her perspective. I don't know what to think, but to mirror her actions maybe it is time to take a looooooooooong break from her.

It's been eight months of 'wierd acting' and it's screwing with my head in exchange for 3 months of problems on my part. I don't care to get revenge, I'm not perfect but everything she criticised people for she has done back to us three times worse. So much for forgiveness she clearly is quite bitter still.

I think I'm reaching the end of my tether with it all.

2:57 p.m. - 2006-10-22


Becoming a grown up means..

Becoming a grown up means building a moral infrastructure around which I measure things. Things I need to improve:-

1. Be completely honest and straight forward.

2. No more stealing, the D&A incident was embarrassing enough and shows more work is needed.

3. No more eating people's food in the Arberry Road or borrowing things.

4. Setting personal boundaries very early on.

5. Being closer to people I trust feel/comfortable with and not wasting my time with people who are dishonest.

6. Economy- Not overspending, no more scams. A clever man does not need to lie/cheat to get his way there are more intelligent ways of achieving your aims.

7. No more paranoia, no more arrogance.

8. Saying what I think/ communicating in a clear and concide way.

5:14 p.m. - 2006-10-17



Dear Diary,

Yesterday was a bit of a nightmare. Ish tried to touch me up in bed while I was sleeping again. But for the first time I stood up for myself. I finally feel I am setting up my own boundaries and I am making clear what I will and won't put up with. I am glad I became friends with Ishmael because it allowed me seek closure on a number of issues. Ofcourse in an ideal world none of the other shit that came with it should have happened. But obviously this can't be helped now. I was able to see all the old faces and show them how I had grown to be someone I could respect. In addition, I gained the confidence to draw the line where I wanted. 2006 has been the biggest year of change and the most dramatic. I am going to continue with the counselling for as long as I can and regain the handles on things that I felt I had no control over. No longer afraid to be strong and assertive, like I feel on the inside. It's always strange to look back over old entries and see how traumatic m y teenage years were. But Thank God I am now out of there now and each day is better and better. With regards to Max I honestly can see that he isn't grown up enough for me. Someone who is acts in a stable way.

6:18 p.m. - 2006-10-16


Moving to a new place.

Dear Diary,

For the first time in a long time I woke feeling good about myself. Every day is getting better and better with all the counselling I am receiving and I am more sociable now than ever. I want to keep pushing things until I am there. I have to start living at my own levels and accept there are some things that are out of my hands. All the things I said I wanted a year ago, I have now realised. The only way is to keep moving forward. I feel like I am going into hyper-mode: meeting more people, going out more, working harder, more organised, more sorted and more strong. I want to keep going in this direction.

3:24 p.m. - 2006-10-10


Things I need..

Things to do and buy:

1. Digital Voice recorder ( VN 240) [GOT]

2. Digital Camera (Canons Powershot)

3. Get hair cut [GOT]

4. Sleeper piercings [ON IT]

5. New vintage clothes [ON IT]

etc etc etc

4:30 p.m. - 2006-10-05


Winter Blues.

Dear Diary,

I've been feeling very distressed of late. I think it's chemical. Just seem to find myself smoking lots of roll-ups and listening to the same music over and over. I guess it's linked to not wanting to apply myself and do some proper work i.e. laziness. I keep looking for distractions on the internet while I lug a bag full of folders and books around with me. I keep reminding myself of the promise that 2006 has been a big year of change and I must keep at the helm in the hope that things will improve. But they will only improve if I start to focus and apply myself. There is nothing wrong with me. Over-analysis that old chest-nut and constantly worrying/thinking about what other people are up to. I need to put myself first now. It's my final year and university and I can achieve so much if I start to organise myself and push push push. Right I'm off to do some work proper.

9:53 p.m. - 2006-10-02


rejection from vice

Dear Diary,

Kirsty called today to tell me that it was time "perhaps" to call it a day. I knew I hadn't really been committing myself and should have listened to what she had to say. In the end I stopped caring, perhaps I never did to begin with. The people weren't as exciting as I'd hoped nor was I as good as I thought. Everything happens for a reason and atleast I have it on my CV. Learnt to make the effort, talk slowly and clearly, not to steal, not to keep on asking for instructions, to work hard, keep records of everything, to strike while the kettle is hot, to ask for things, and definitely listen/concentrate carefully.

Will add more to this later.

12:54 a.m. - 2006-09-06


Notting Hill Car-NO- val..

Nobody to go with. What a sorry state of affairs..!

1:16 p.m. - 2006-08-28


Coming up against a few bricks..

Dear Diary,

I appear to have slipped from the greasy ladder of self-improvement. Firstly, I lied and deceived the people at the Ralph Lauren store by taking back old and soiler items and accepting a refund. All in order to get two new fitted Ralph Lauren polo necks. How sad I am. I justify essentially stealing things because I think they will make me feel better about myself. Secondly, my jita "obsession" appears to have taken hold again. Why can't I just let go? Same with Adam, Alex et al it just pervades me. I guess my biggest fear is reverted back to the annoying, selfish, attention-seeking kid I used to be. But he no longer exists. I should stop living in the past. Anyway, will get to speak to counsellor soon and sort it all out. I don't want to be neurotic anymore.

10:11 a.m. - 2006-08-28


improvements take hold.

Dear Diary,

It's been quite a while since my last entry. I guess things are really kicking off, I feel like a better person. However, a few grievances, namely the following:

1. I lied to the personal shoppers about the clothes, and they invested 2 hours in helping me. I feel genuinely bad about that. However, the ends justifies the means and these were my final personal shopping expeditions and I finally feel confident buying clothes for myself. I wouldn't like it if someone wasted my time but by the same token it's no the end of the world- didn't kill anyone or pillage a village..

2. Telling a few white lies, but did feel like shit afterwards. Can't remember exact details but they were minor. Finally acquiring a moral framework and conviction in myself.


1. Have been going out much more and making the effort without feeling desperate. Also, feeling more confident in myself and conviction in what I think.

2. Been reading lots.

3. Managed to prevent myself from shooting off my mouth about Arafat.

4. Been more persistant and inquisitive and not afraid to say what I want.

5. Been telling jokes, smiling and laughing more.

6. Being honest and straight forward and not bullied into anything..

The list goes on. 2006 really has been a massive year of change and there is still a few more months to go.

Got to get this flat sorted out.

Good one.

6:42 p.m. - 2006-08-25



Make more of an effort to make friends. Be friendly, talkative, approachable and most importantly not over-bearing. This was you can always go out when you want to and don't have to pressure other people into coming out with you. [Done]

6:50 p.m. - 2006-07-29


Changes to make within yourself.

Dear Diary,

This is my final piece for a while of genuine changes I want to make :-

1. Honesty. Don't tell petty lies and don't make up things in your head.

2. Modesty. No more arrogance, you are not bestowing people with your company.

3. Be straight-forward and genuine.

4. Don't be judgemental. Don't bitch.

5. Don't over-analyse. Just take things at face value. Don't be paranoid and think the worst of everything.

6. Work hard/ Don't be lazy. Do your best.

7. Be stable and not moody.

I want to be a better person. I want to be someone I would respect. I want to be successful. I want to get along with my family. I want peace with everyone. The world is not working against me. Stop obsessing. Stop overanalysing. Stop obsessing. Stop overanalysing. Stop obsessing. Stop overanalysing.

7:38 p.m. - 2006-07-28


That is that.

Dear Diary,

It is time to get over these obsessions. You met this person once and became obsessed. It's really time to stop, it's not healthy. that's quite enough. You won't make any progress if all you think about is this person.

8:25 p.m. - 2006-07-24


Adom still getting to me.

Dear Diary,

Why do I sit and fret over people when they reject me? I lie in bed and hold my pillow close to me imagining it is precisely the person who didn't want me.

Why is this? Why am I unable to let go. The fact is that it is not in my interests to like someone who cannot like me back. If they do not see me as a good enough then why should I see them as good enough? Alex, Adom, Johnny, Matt the list goes on. I won't give away a kiss or sex to anyone unless they can prove to me that they consider me worthy.

7:24 p.m. - 2006-07-23


RE: Jita part 2

Dear Diary,

This is really getting to me because I feel like I've had enough of the way things are going. She always is negligent with me. I made a big mistake and I have to accept the consequences. I am trying to understand what is going on in her head but I reckon it's gone too far. There is making a point and showing you are not a walk-over and there is just being plain nasty. These things rankle with me:

1. Always being late and not having the decency to call & let me know. Constantly cancelling at the last minute. General indifference towards me. Being side-lined when someone comes into the picture.

2. Telling little lies, not keeping your word, making promises then breaking them. This would not be a problem if it is to protect your privacy but some of them are not and are just to forward her own agenda. Using and abusing people, being a straight-up hypocrite.

3. Acting bitchy/ argumentative / dismissive/ moody/ rude/plain arrogant.

4. Being two-faced and manipulative.

I repeat what I did was wrong but it was an honest mistake/misunderstanding. I am getting paranoid and suspecting that you just want to get your own back and if that's how it is then I don't want this anymore. You are not the sole provider in this group and sometimes you act like you alone have the world's weight on your shoulders.

There is no point in making a big deal of this, but I think a bit of distance is the best thing. If this is for good then I will have to get on with it. I don't want to feel miserable but when I'm around her that's how I feel. I accept people change and evolve but I feel like the person you've become is unrecogniseable humourless and quite nasty. You made it clear you felt hurt, angry and wary completely understandably. But now it's been more than a year and if my mistake is still being dragged out and you still feel the need to vindicate me than it's too much. I think I have changed a great deal this year and done a lot of growing up and soul-searching maybe not enough for you but we all live at our own levels. Two wrongs don't make a right.

4:22 p.m. - 2006-07-21


Personality Changes. Time to grow up.

Dear Diary,

I realise that all my problems are on the inside not on the outside. I want to compile a list of changes I want to make about myself. I really want to change. I can't run away anymore from my problems, because a pattern is emerging and I need to address it. Starting NOW:-

1. Lieing- Big lies, small lies, white lies, covering things up. It needs to stop. How can anyone respect me when I they can't trust me. I need to stop now or else I will never change.

2. Stealing- Everything I want I must pay for- fair and square. How can I value anything, when it is all at my disposal. I must work hard if I want something then it becomes my possession and noone can take it away from me.

3. Obsessing- Obsess about things that matter not the small things that make no difference to me.

4. Work Ethic- work you arse off, work as hard as you can- prove yourself. Don't use anyone earn your keep. File with honesty.

5. Don't use or try to charm anyone- let your natural charm work itself.

Conviction- Have conviction in what you say. Stop doubting yourself. Be reasonable. And don't aplogise unless you are sorry.

9:35 p.m. - 2006-07-20



Dear Diary,

I am feeling really frustrated over a number things. I will list these things below:-

1. My obsessive nature, which is fine until I get obsessed by someone else.

2. My obsession with popularity. No more looking at Myspace &c.

3.My obsession with punctuality.

The last two days I got very annoyed with Jita and George because they keep cancelling come late. I guess it angers me because I don't understand why I always make the effort to be there on time but they don't really care. Jita has cancelled on me three times running now and George God knows how many. Now I have noted this, I can't let it get to me as it does. I guess it just goes to show they are not people of their words. FIN.

8:01 a.m. - 2006-07-20


Web of illussions, deceipts and lies.

Dear Diary,
The same problems keep coming back to haunt me. It's always the same thing. That I tell many lies and have a tendency to exaggerate. I have to work on this, I have to improve myself and toughen up. A brave man is someone who can look at the world in front of him and doesn't require illussions and deceptions to inject magic into the mundane. I really must do this. It's been almost exactly a year since all the problems really hit home. And now I look back and see how linear my progression has been. Don't allow people to tell you what you are, become who you want to be. There is no point in pretending to be cool, I would much rather be myself and be someone who is likeable.

That is all!

10:34 a.m. - 2006-07-14



Dear Diary,

After the revelations I had been looking at the 'Dar, everything appears to have fallen through. I'm really concerned about myself and my own well-being. Problems that I was vaguely aware I had appear to be coming through to the surface and so on. Problems I have to deal with:-

1. My sexuality.

2. My social anxiety/paranoia/being moody.

3. Compulsive lieing to protect my privacy/changing things and convincing myself of them in my head.

7:51 a.m. - 2006-07-12


A few minor changes.

Dear Diary,

I've spent this summer trying to improve myself by doing the following:

1. Going to the gym.
2. Watching lots of films and [trying] to read all the books I didn't have the time to read before.
3. Going out a lot more than before and attempting to ease up socially. This has been moderately successful thanks mostly to my work with People Now.
4. Applying for internships left, right and centre.

There have been quite a few dampers so far, but it's best not to dwell on them such as the discover of 'gaydar' on my computer cache. I feel awful and really don't want to lie anymore about this but feel I haven't been given a choice in the matter. Slept with Owen, and that was quite a good experience, if only to help me raise my confidence with boys. He hasn't contacted me since so I guess he's not that interested. But it's for the best I suppose. I need to find someone who is along the same wavelength, as soon as I knew he was friends with Antoine I had a bad feeling about the whole thing. Seeing how Antoine treats people.

Goals for next time:

1. Be more assertive.
2. Do not be afraid to ask questions or scrutinise.
3. Do not be the first one to leave every event.
4. Keep yourself occupied and busy.

6:52 a.m. - 2006-07-06


Ish and Arafat. O.V.A.H.

Dear Diary,

I can see many parrallels between these two people. I have decided it's time to draw a line under them. They both share very similar character types. Complete pimps and users in every sense of the word. And that, as they say, is that.

I will not respond to any form of contact, it is not in my interests to be around these people. They have mental health problems. It's all too close to the bone. I have to keep looking for decent friends.

2:16 p.m. - 2006-06-18


Ishmael's place for pills.

Dear Diary,

Last night was very uncomfortable not only did the 'white sharks' I picked up from Robbie not take off in the way that I had expected but also I remembered why I found Camden to be such a miserable experience. 'Aggressive' is the buzz word that was being thrown around, "you have to be agressive, ambitious, opinionated", these are words my father had always thrown around and words I could never use to describe myself. I can remember Ishmael saying "Why are you giving me that paedophile smile, I'm sorry it's really creepy" it literally came out of no where. This upset me greatly because while some people tell me I never smile enough, others tell me I should smile more, I guess the smile doesn't come naturally to me. But I can't ever win. When I speak my opinion, everything I say is corrected continuosly and regularly, why is my view of the world so skewed and incomplete :-( This causes me great stress and insecurity because it makes me think that I cam stupid or not educated enough. In future do not say something you are no sure of. EDIT: Still feeling a bit down about the whole Adom business :( It would be that bit easier if i didn't really fancy oliver and the whole Alex link :(

2:33 p.m. - 2006-06-15


Ish & Co

Not reallly happy about what happened with Ish and Cameron because they both slept with me and I guess fancied me enough to do that.

9:15 a.m. - 2006-06-13


Feeling very down :-(

Dear Diary,

I have felt very unhappy today. I think it might be linked to having a one-night stand with Adam. Hopefully, in future I will not get so attached so quickly, it's very bad and makes me so depressed. :-( :-( :-( :-( :-(

9:31 p.m. - 2006-06-05


Sleeping with Adam.

Got one night-stand blues. Sex was great. Can't believe Alex has slept with another one of my sexual partners. I can't seem to escape him. This obsession seems to have got out of hand. On the other hand, I have met loads of really nice oxbrigays. Everyone always seems so enthusiastic then I never hear from them again.. I guess I should keep meeting new people until I find the right ones...

9:37 p.m. - 2006-06-01


Had enough of the situation

A letter for closure.

RE: Jita

-just chillax let it be. If she has moved on so must you. Many criticisms she wages against you she might be guilty of herself. enough's enough of her lieing.

11:24 p.m. - 2006-05-23


Last two assignments.

Dear Diary,

From now on I will add entries as much as possible to ease my anxieties and increase my articulacy. I'm feeling very nervous about my final two essays: first one is for contemporary writing and the second on is my additional essay. Both are very limp and to top things off I re-read over my post-colonial essay and it is is piss-poor. I wish this year hadn't been such a disaster. All I need is a 2:1 and I can breathe. So far so good with a 2:1 for Palestine-Israel, TAP and hopefully contemporary writing. It all remains to be seen I s'pose. I hope this make me feel more relaxed for my long night.


4:30 p.m. - 2006-05-20


Medusa Mood

Dear Diary,

I have been in the worst of moods lately. It's not depression but generally feeling jaded and cynical and highly bitchy. I don't know what's up with me. I think it's to do with the fact, I still have two essays to do but my mind has switched up. Pair that with the fact that I am not doing well academically or any other criteria. There are so many problems that need to be sorted out by the end of the year.


9:32 p.m. - 2006-05-17



dear diary,

jita has been really getting on my nerves of late. I'm at the brink of losing my temper with her. just constant small things like promising things and then not delivering, being rude and snappy. i really can't be arsed with it. that is all.

8:08 a.m. - 2006-05-17


Updates with people...

Dear Diary,

Here are some updates:-

Alex- Gone away on tough assignment, still care about him a lot, and I think it is different to all the other guys. Hopefully things will be cleared up when he gets back...

Kobi- Made the effort to bridge a link with, relayed texts and hopefully will link up in the summer and be on good terms. Wait and see...

Sammy- On great terms, can't believe I used to fancy him. So incompatible.

Jita- Great mates, last year was a big mistake on my part, I am so glad she is still around.

Oli- Great mates. Says he is going to break up with Kate, which is quite concerning.

Arafat- Drifting away, I think the longer the better. But I never cut off ties so hopefully we can go out for a drink one day.

Vice- going for an 'informal chat' with Pegah. Curious to see where this will take me, feeling very ambitious to do work experience with OMM, D&C, PJ and so forth now. Great!

That is all for now.


2:12 p.m. - 2006-05-13


Image consultant

Things I desire:-

1. big clunky silver chain in matte.

2. Beautiful denim jacket broken in and down.

3. Junk de luxe style malone coat.

4. Shirts shirts shirts!

5. calvin klein crew t shirts...

6. Aviators

I think that's it!

7:42 p.m. - 2006-05-07


RE: Johnny Panic

Dear Diary,

How strangely things are panning out. Alex keeps making the effort with me. I'm very glad of this because obviously I am very fond of him. I can't wait to until my assignments are through so that I can pursue this further and we can finally spend some time together. It's quite a bizarre turn of events that we are now real-life friends who speak less and less on msn and more and more in person. I certainly miss him when he's not around and wish for something more. But I can enjoy this for what it is. Besides, there is no point in waiting around for a sign when there isn't one. Anyway, it will be interesting to see what becomes of this.


11:57 a.m. - 2006-05-02


Moving on again (4 closure) part 10, 874

It's time to move on from Alex. I can't believe all this started off as a little curiousity. To be honest, all the signs were there that this wasn't going to work :(

So, back on to the 'dar, this time aim for people of your own age

I think in your interests it is time to move on. Once against that old chestnut of too much work and too little time to play

:( :( :( :)maybe

5:28 p.m. - 2006-04-20


Things to do & buy

Things to do...

1. Prepare for India/Kiev: whatever happens.

2. Top-up tan.

3. get decent hair cut regain natural colour.

4. Workout and take creatine for two months or so.

5. Grow out beard.

Things to buy...

- Divine Sage
-Nicole Fahri
- Aprege Lanvan

2. Clothing &c. &c.

6:11 p.m. - 2006-04-14


Going to meet alex at ghetto

Shit, I really fancy him. I've accepted he doesn't feel the same way back. I've decided that I will be myself and if he is interested (which I highly doubt) we will just gravitate towards each other.

8:34 p.m. - 2006-04-13


Alex @ beyond

what a bizarre experience, was completely shocked by the over sexuality of it all. But kind of impressed at the same time, that these places do exist, and are so accessible. In vauxhall, it was completely smutty and quite seedy. Lots of musclemarys shagging in the toilets quite openly shirtless. It made me feel very body-conscious, I really want a 'beyond body' now. Will it make any real difference? Possibly not, but it just feels much more arousing to have a hard body against you. Ended up getting qutie close with al. but i really think he is obviously not interested. I completely fetishize english men, I have realised. I need to find an English man who fetishizes Arabs. Hope that me & alex stay friends, it was very nice of him to invite me along. So hopefully I will see him again.

10:18 a.m. - 2006-04-03


Mattheu at the Ghetto

What an interesting turn of events. Yesterday, I went to Ghetto and pulled Mattheui. I get the impression he wasn't as into me as I was into him. But atleast we kissed and got intimate. Unussually he would kiss me then pull away and then be passionate and then seem uninterested. I really didn't know where I stood with him. I managed to get him number off him, he didn't ask back for mine :(. So a sign that this relationship won't work is the fact he never makes the effort. But I still am quite fond of him, he is very cute. It's a bit funny because he is Alex's friend, & in the end I like him more than Alex. I'm going to try not to think about this much more b.c. getting into a relationship shouldn't have to feel like a big effort, it should be equal. But either way atleast I managed to pull, so that feels quite good! I think that gay men are a peculiar bunch of people! Maybe I can find someone who shows a semblance of sanity :)

7:00 p.m. - 2006-03-29


Dear God, please help me :(

Antoine disaster. Accused him of being gay and had a mental breakdown at him. Feeling terrible about all of that. My god, I even told him that I was gay/confused. Has to be most horrifying drunken thing. Never again. I'm still quite horrified. Keep away from Red Wine. Oh & the txt msg the next day was cringey at best. I should feel physically sick but instead I just don't care. Please let this feeling pass. :(

8:29 p.m. - 2006-03-26


Character assassination: paranoia & judgemental

Removes the characteristics of your mother. Do not be paranoid or judgemental or presumptious offer opinions (when you know nothing about the subject).

10:33 a.m. - 2006-03-25


Progress Report 2- Don't be presumptious

Feeling a bit down. That I can't have somebody like Alex. I don't know why it has got to me this badly. I guess I have a weakness for English Boys! I reckon it's time to find myself someone who can like me back, and I must learn to like them. I guess it's all to do with being a self-hating Arab. I feel a bit stupid for some of the stuff I said on the internet, little nuggets of brilliance like "I want to fuck you silly" God, it doesn't bare thinking about, or even how I went mental at him for talking about "the rules". I guess it is patently obvious at this stage that we are not right for each other. I also think that I am too judgemental, and presumptious to make judgements when I am merely an inexperienced twenty year old. Atleast I've matched last years record of being laid and pulled possibly the same amount of times. Ambitions to go out a lot more this year than I did last (hopefully) also to not get paranoid/overanalse. Time to get over Alex (it all very much remidns me of Matt, Johnny &c.) just a fixation.

8:52 p.m. - 2006-03-24


On being infatuated.

Surely, this is a sign of my immaturity. That I've fallen in love with Alex after meeting once. Bollocks!

2:30 p.m. - 2006-03-19


live & learn.

So saw Alex at popstarz, and what a beauty he is. Was really wierd acting at the beginning of the night. But later on was very friendly. Instead of sitting and overanalysing whether he likes me or not, I will just be myself and be friendly. I really kind of have a crush on him. I get really nervous on msn. I don't know if he is saying stuff to lure me in or because he actually likes me. Didn't expect him to be so promiscious, I suppose it's not really surprising. I think it would be silly to expect him to have a relationship with me because he clearly likes playing the field. Hope to be mates though. Also, I really hope we go clubbing together soon. I guess I've accepted that if we don't it's not the end of the world. Live and learn, perhaps also if you gain their trust they will see you are well-intentioned.

10:40 a.m. - 2006-03-19


progress report on 'dar

Gaydar stuff going shit:-

Alex- Ended up nagging him down the internet to meet me. How embarrassing! Seems like my favourite if not exactly boyf material.

Turkish guy- interesting. sexy.

Lawrence- Whole meeting up fiasco. However, surely if he is interested he will let me know. So I'm going to let this one go. Was too much trouble in the end.

Stellan- Very unusual, seemed sweet. Never responded after txt msg. So never got back to me. Time-waster. In future take your time and when the time is right let them ask.

Louis- seems sweet not boyf material. But would definitely be up for a drink @ some point.

11:06 a.m. - 2006-03-17


Things to change.


-Stopped lieing
-General dodginess
-Fear of texting/calling- social anxiety
-attention seeking
-Stopped offering advice
-Stopped asking for advise using common sense.
-gained more confidence
-Taking much less drugs.

Still to Achieve:
-Cut down on bitching, makes you seem fickle.
-Jealousy/Anger issues.
-cut down on smoking (down on2/3 a day)
-Get more used and comfortable being drunk.
-Be honest and genuine without hurting people.
-Try to smile more.
-Be more organised.
-Do not speculate/gossip too much.
-do not have panic attacks/take a walk.

6:53 p.m. - 2006-03-12


RE: Jita

For fuck's sake stop being bitter. You're only angry because she is so independent of you now and has so many people around her while you don't. Remember, however, everything comes to an end. Avoid her for a while.

12:22 a.m. - 2006-03-09


make friends not war.

Make friends not enemies. Remember to avoid confrontation at all cost. If you dislike someone distance yourself in a polite and discreet manner.Work on small talk. If you dislike someone, you can say so a couple of times, but to spend all your time talking about it is just mental!

11:02 a.m. - 2006-03-06


Be happy.


1:53 a.m. - 2006-02-26


Good bye Lenin. Thank fuck for that.

Arafat is mental FACT!

Yeah, it's fun every once in a while but at the end of the day I'm distancing myself. I think she needs help. I admit I'm not perfect, not by any stretch of the imagination, but arafat is truly off her trolley. I don't care how many contacts or friends she has, I do not need that in my life. It's a decision I've got to make.

For future reference, cut her out.

File under 'interesting but utterly fucked up'. EDIT: Just spoke to her on msn. I now realise she is just in love. I know how it feels to experience unrequited love but it's time to draw the line.

11:08 a.m. - 2006-02-20



had a terrible dream about O, W & A leaving me on a train without calling me. The ensueing feelings of isolation and rejection. Finally, woke up and thought about karma and so long as you don't harm anyone or be arrogant/ rude to anyone nothing can come back to you. If it does then you would not care anyway.

9:41 a.m. - 2006-02-02



Under no grounds give Ali mp3 collection. Make up a lie. You regretted giving away your music all the other times.

Besides, it's rude of him to ask. I would never have made such a big demand.

1:00 a.m. - 2006-02-01


Letters of Consolidation.

Dear Rachael,

I'm writing this letter to give you my side of the story, so you can see things from my perspective. I hope you are no longer angry with me and can see that everything I did, I did because I cared and care for you deeply. I could see that you and I had a very special relationship. Sometimes late at night I reminisce of the times we shared with each other. I still treasure them greatly. Just for one moment I felt I had found someone with a kindred spirit, perhaps you are my soul mate? Only time will tell. I can understand that I hurt you, by not calling or texting and disappearing into absolute oblivion. You didn't deserve that. But it wasn't me being an absolute cunt. I realised that it would only hurt me to be around you and what future could we have whereby neither of us knew what we wanted. It's so rare you find someone who you feel absolutely content with, and when we were together I felt we shut off people who cared about us. I never meant to sacrifice you in that way, but I believed that if you were meant for me then we would come back to each other. Remember when I told you I'd come back for you? I haven't forgotten. In those ten days together, I had an amazin