suicidebomb's Diaryland Diary


Making social faux pas.

It appears there are some people it is impossible to not make social faux pas with. Either because they take everything seriously and appear to get touchy at whim or because you feel constantly self-conscious to the point where you can't seem to get it right or put things in the right terms. This is how I feel with Jessica from my course. In every sense she is a lovely and kind person. But we just misunderstand each other, the communication is not strong. I guess with some people its very hard to read their facial expressions, vocal tone and language. Anyway, as the case is I'm not going to read anymore into it and cripple myself with self-doubt insecurity. Never mind. But for future reference, leave out the jokes about age, that draw attention to the yourself/selves and leave out the introductions until you have two people in the same square metre preferrable face to face.

12:08 p.m. - 2008-03-16


Spacebook MyFace.

The last couple of days have been filled with anxiety. It appears when there is work/stuff to be done every little imperfection rises to the surface. After Big O's exodus from facebook, I realised it was high time to throw the towel in myself atleast for a while. I got everything I wanted from it (i.e. some modicum of the normalising effect).The main anxieties appear to be:

i) Sam/Alex/Adam/Rich, all blurring into one generic perfect loving partner. This one refuses to die apparently. I realise that - for different reasons - none are right for me and vice versa. But yet I guess they are the closest I've got on some levels to having a partner. This will soon be resolved because I will have a real partner.

ii) Pressure to get married- I'm surrounded by engaged people, people in serious monogomous relationships. I guess the comp lit course feels at times like its closing in on me because instead of introducing me to lots of prospective partners, I'm just reminded how people are winding down. I know in my head that finding anyone and settling down with them in my early twenties would be a recipe for disaster. Yet I can't help but feel dissappointed that I haven't found anyone yet/ people bow down to social pressure and spend so little time assessing what is right for them.

iii) General discontent with Masters- I feel like I got very little out of this year academically. More of the same, and less of the stuff that actually has allowed me to grow intellectually. I keep getting annoyed particularly with translation studies and theo. Keep saying to myself a PHD is most certainly not on the cards. But then - in that case - what's truly next?

10:53 a.m. - 2008-03-15


Unrequited Love.

My thoughts appear to be returning to Sami, how many times have I gone round and round in circles? Its time I truly moved on and to prove the fact that this is mostly in my head I will copy and paste entries from the last 4 years (4 Dammit!) to show the emotional roller coaster I put myself through:-

"Whereas, atleast with Osama I know the score and he doesn't mess me around with bullshit."


"Basically, in my head I've deluded myself for 3 years into thinking Sam is into me. Now it's dawned upon me that I've got it wrong and he really doesn't."


"I think I have fallen in love with Sammy. All I do is think about him. How I want to hold him close to me and kiss him."

Good God, this keeps getting better and better, the last one pretty much marks three years of infatuation with little or no implication that Sam felt the same.

I need to let go. I think after the exhibition I'm going to let go for a while, its got to be done now, it doesn't appear the friendship is healthy on my end.

10:01 p.m. - 2008-03-12


Social Flaking.

This is an entry about the social phenomenon of flaking. I've realised I need to deal with rejection and general flaking in a more constructive way. Gave up on three friends because I didn't know a better way to deal with it. After doing a bit of homework I've come to realise what social flaking is. In the past, I would attribute it to people being any of the following; rude, arrogant, inconsiderate, self-absorbed, disorganised. These might all be components but it's a bit more complicated than that. It got to me particularly because I think it was always the sense that it reminded me that I'd overestimated my importance in someone else's life. This was particularly the case with Kobi and Jita. I saw a range of other factors on a website that made it clearer. I'll jot down off the top of my head which ones were the most convincing.

Distance- living in the city and working a job makes going out that bit less appealing, you might be enthusiastic to meet someone, but they won't necessarily feel the same especially after a long, hard day at work. Indeed, distance might not figure into your decisions but it might into others. Distance breaks down communities and people lose touch and forget how to communicate and be social.

Just not that into you- with regards to dates, it might just be the case they were never that into you and you got carried away. This might have been the case with Francesca, you were so proud of you had handled things that you just assumed she would be drawn to you. She wasn't fussed. It�s easy to get the wrong end of the stick. But just as you reserve the right to say no, so do they. You aren�t George Clooney or Brad Pitt and even they get rejections. Deal with it.

Hedging- This was an interesting one. In cities and generally developed areas we are encouraged to be opportunists and do what we think is best for us. The 'something�s better has come along' mentality. Superficially, this is not a negative thing, and is a good approach. On the flipside, it can be distressing when people decide not to inform you or leave it to the last minute, people get caught up and lost in the moment, they live very much in the �now�. However, with people like this there is no point in getting angry or frustrated. Just take a mental note not to rely on them and in the extreme cases where they just don't turn up regularly and make up excuses, you don't have to make an effort. People who have these tendencies usually possess very messy social lives and are known as 'flakers' amongst their friends.

Copycat Behaviour- It happens to me so I do it to someone else either for revenge of because it seems to be the social norm. "When in Rome". Don�t play these kind of games, they spell doom.

Finally, I just think of it as a flaking gene, some people are just good at disappearing and don't analyse their lives or others lives. You have to get to grips with the fact that it's had work to be friends with flakers and it's your decision if you choose hold on to them.

9:43 p.m. - 2008-03-07


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