suicidebomb's Diaryland Diary


A daffodil for sam

I've arranged to meet up with Sam tomorrow. I haven't seen him for ages. Everytime I see him, I realise it might be for the last time. It's always me who calls him again. Time and time again I've fallen for him over and over. I think I'm at terms with the fact it is unrequited and recently I stopped fantasising about him, which is odd and great. Today, though I did think about us being secret on-off lovers throughout our lives. Unlikely, though it might be, I convinced myself entirely, helplessly, hilariously. I'm in a much better place than I was when I wrote about it before. I suppose I'm seeing I can redirect my feelings so that they are in a place where they can't overwhelm me or jeopardise my friendships. You can do that, sometimes. Although, I wish I'd known that years ago with regards to Rachael, at the same time, she was utterly mental. Anyway, I can harness my feelings without pretending they don't exist.

9:10 p.m. - 2008-05-25


Descent into madness.

Sat from ten-ish outside in the garden soaking up the rays. Managed to get a few hours of work in, albeit, with regular intervals. At about four-ish came upstair to my room and took a power nap. I started thinking really dark thoughts in my fevered half sleep. Thoughts that make no sense started resurfacing. Fantasies of marrying I-san and the belated discovery of my latent bisexuality, the divorce proceedings, the pre-nup that should have been signed, the anger and ofcourse the three beautiful children who would never know a complete family. Not content with that hyper-hypothetical projection I moved back to my favourite topic Jita, how I would respond with kindness and indifference if I saw her again, how she's constructed this R&B/garage urban ice queen identity. This was all interwoven with rememberances from the past: Hannah, Ned, Sophie, Yasmin. People I really cared about but never saw again, and I guess the process of closure is one frought with recurring memories, psychical projections and general disconcertion. An article I read the other day listed the stages we go through after a break-up. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.

With regards to the fantasies, again completely absurd, stress does this to the mind. It tries to find events, people and incidents and reopens an engagement with them. In both cases, I have no contact, or incredibly rare, with either. In both cases, they are living their own lives seperately. Especially with regards to I-san who only knows me as some random boy she went to school with many years ago. I can't wait to be done with these essays and exams, so I can actually pursue a real-life relationship, so all these emotions can actually be invested and reciprocated with an actual person. Not a figure of my excessive imagination.

8:03 p.m. - 2008-05-12


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