suicidebomb's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Second Wave What is bothering me: -A group that does more of the stuff I want.
- The second wave of dates, to find 5 extra good people. This should set you up and organically grow group. This can rectify problems with this group being a) a bit too prudish b) a bit too poor c) not having as much solidarity as I'd hoped d) too prude ish . This period will reinforce you doing things you want. And give you further connections. You are gonna win out. 12:54 p.m. - 2015-05-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Second Wave What is bothering me: -A group that does more of the stuff I want.
- The second wave of dates, to find 5 extra good people. This should set you up and organically grow group. This can rectify problems with this group being a) a bit too prudish b) a bit too poor c) not having as much solidarity as I'd hoped d) too prude ish . This period will reinforce you doing things you want. And give you further connections. You are gonna win out. 12:54 p.m. - 2015-05-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Vauxhall observations. 1. No more pursuing couples. They can see you. Don't put yourself in a vulnerable position. Sauna and multiple club experiences have taught you, that offering yourself, is unattractive. 2. Don't have low self esteem. Don't offer your faults, if you notice then clean up yourself. 3. Usually in first week, it is apparent if someone is interested. If they are ill, busy, or constantly delayed, accept its not a good sign. Or if they tell you they hooked up with someone. Brendan stalled, don't pay for Brendan in future, with his pathetic excuses. Hugo is wishy washy, next message ignore. Don't have time for someone who is anything but keen. If they rejected you, they aren't right for you and you dodged a bullet. Actions are stronger than words. Brendan is a sweet talker. 4. Be super friendly to guys you find attractive. Don't waste time for self-esteem guys. 5. Be wary of actors and young guys. Alarm bells should go off. 11:42 a.m. - 2014-12-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did I fuck things up again? Dear Diary, It's been a while since I last visited you. But I wanted to get a few things off my chest, though I am in a coke induced blur. 1. I am worried I fucked this up with jazeera for the second time, for the exact same reason as the first. Too obviously being ambitious, and looking like I'm using a freelance role as a stepping stone. Only time will tell if I get more bookings. I wish I had been more discreet with NBC mess. I'm learning a lot about how much we don't have much freedom even as freelancer, one step wrong, and we can be disposed of. Even if we are doing a great job, it doesn't matter. Loyalty is expected. 2. Did I fuck things up with Brendan. He has made a point of telling me he has deleted grindr on our first meetings. Should I do the same? Am I sending out the wrong signals still being there when we've only met once, albeit my feelings are strong, I think his are too. But surely a discussion has to be had much later down the line? 3. Nils. What's the right thing? UGH. Only time will tell. 12:05 a.m. - 2014-11-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did I fuck things up again? Dear Diary, It's been a while since I last visited you. But I wanted to get a few things off my chest, though I am in a coke induced blur. 1. I am worried I fucked this up with jazeera for the second time, for the exact same reason as the first. Too obviously being ambitious, and looking like I'm using a freelance role as a stepping stone. Only time will tell if I get more bookings. I wish I had been more discreet with NBC mess. I'm learning a lot about how much we don't have much freedom even as freelancer, one step wrong, and we can be disposed of. Even if we are doing a great job, it doesn't matter. Loyalty is expected. 2. Did I fuck things up with Brendan. He has made a point of telling me he has deleted grindr on our first meetings. Should I do the same? Am I sending out the wrong signals still being there when we've only met once, albeit my feelings are strong, I think his are too. But surely a discussion has to be had much later down the line? 3. Nils. What's the right thing? UGH. Only time will tell. 12:05 a.m. - 2014-11-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ahmed, Andrew, Berlin, Resignation at Ruptly, AJE drama Thing that are bothering me 22/02/14 I feel uneasy, I don�t know why so I�m going to write these things down so they�re out of my head and on this paper. When I look back over entries from years gone by I realize how trivial they all seem looking back: 1. Getting over Doha past. That chapter in your life is over. Whats the point in spending valuable energy stewing over Andrew and Ahmed. They�re idiots, you didn�t respect how they behaved. How they treated you and others. You left. Ahmed tried many times to mend the situation but you just couldn�t like him again or see him in the same way. Meanwhile, Andrew was being diplomatic, and saw you�d left, didn�t like him in the way he wanted, felt abandoned and used you to get closer to Ahmed. They�re relationship, is a marriage of convenience. Ahmed would always berate Andrew, Andrew would always love up Ahmed. Feeling angry of andrew�s sexual greed and manipulation and web of lies is pointless, the truth will always prevail. Ahmed�s desperate need for validation and love/acceptance results in him screwing over others, unwittingly and sometimes stupidly. The guy injects himself with chemicals to have a body that will make him loved/accepted, he will sleep with someone within hours of his good friend doing it, he takes sleeping pills, and smokes spliff to numb himself. This is not someone who is happy. You wanted emotional and sexual maturity, you wanted a way to be sexually empowered, comfortable in your skin and confident, away from people who created problems. Doha wasn�t a healthy place for you, so you left your dream job. 3. Leaving Berlin. It�d happen sooner of later, so deal with it, you don�t have big prospects in this city without German as a journalist , so it was always going to end on day. 12:33 p.m. - 2014-03-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bora Story 1. He was pursuing a lot of guys before you. How do you know he rejected you on grindr, 2. He messaged David after sleeping with his friend and after sleeping with you. 3. He wasn't over his boyfriend. 4. Don't assume you're the only one being hit on. Assume they're tying it on 5. One shady/not mr. nice guy friend will usually have others around him of the same ilk. 6. Block on Grindr, immediately and maintain your identity, don't give them a reason for paranoia. 7. Always shower first and have gum. 8. Don't get ridiculously drunk/stoned. 9. Take your time and make a judgement. 10. When you feel something get to you, acknowledge it but definitely don't let it show; lest you let other people feel scared/uncomfortable. THE TAKEAWAY from it all is Don't get bloody stoned and drunk, it exacerbates your emotions/ and learn to hide your emotions. 8:47 a.m. - 2014-03-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Slapping a girl in a club and getting thrown out This was the lowest moment of my time in Berlin. What a horrible scenario. Don't get so completely drunk again. She slapped you and you naturally reacted. This was shameful. But try and stay with friends in future and be careful. It was astonishing this didn't escalate. 5:54 a.m. - 2014-02-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Case Study: Marc GR So in an effort to change, I have to write down whats happening. 2013/2014 saw a lot of things I didn't expect to happen. For instance, Rudolf and me continued to shag after he initially showed no interest after meeting number one. Geer who I thought was freezing me out, only to be more friendly then ever. Things aren't ever quite what they seem, and only with more experience can you become better at reading people. MARC. We met, had fun, both enjoyed. I followed up with a message a few days later saying. Hey had a lot of fun, we should do it again sometime ? :)
2:21 p.m. - 2014-01-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Observations as I become boyfriend material 1. Don't double or triple date on same day, you'll end up exhausted and talking gibber-ish cos it's actually quite a tiring process. Just as you wouldn't arrange to hang out and go different places with three different friends. 2. Do go for walks. 3. Don't be too keen, be warm and express and interest. Don't say "Wanna come back to mine", instead...warm up to it, tease the idea until that all they want... 4. Clean yourself always! 5. Don't analyse on date, and don't interrupt, its such bad form. People have complained many times previously. 6. Don't give dating advice and don't share your experiences, definitely don't invite them to a sauna or suggest going clubbing together. All send out notion you're a player or party boy. 7. Do hang out with them afterwards. 3:49 p.m. - 2014-01-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Phase two begins Ok, after I was all cried out of my last phase, I'm ready to come back thicker and stronger. Here are a few things I want to improve:
2. Not being too eager, responding with a delay, but titillating enough that I dont lose a person. 3. Maintaining eye contact and not being a tease but also not playing dumb or innocent. I feel ready! 7:35 p.m. - 2014-01-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The comeback trail starts here... - Whole Milk. 10:48 a.m. - 2013-12-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Birth of a Star (214) 2014 will be the year I become everything I've dreamed to be. All the foundations have been laid down. Body, mind and soul will reach the best they've ever been at 29. Nothing will stop me. 1. Find a good bf. 9:42 p.m. - 2013-12-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Evolution as 2014 comes I decided to move to Berlin to get comfortable in my skin. And that's what I've done, to get over my fear of rejection, to know my own potential, to like myself inside and out, to not be afraid, to be ballsy and ambitious, to be charismatic, and excellent communicator. So here are my notes on all things gay/ a gay methodology: 1. Only sleep with a guy if you think it won't go anywhere/ or they're insanely hot. Don't invest physically, but be sexy as hell, so they will come back for more, show interest if you like them. 2. Wait 2-3 day rule, if they don't message you this is already a bad sign. But they might want to hook up again. If you think they might be a decent friend, send them a message to invite them out with friends. 3. Don't add on fb unless you feel a connection, it works in practice, but not in reality. Whats the point in having them there if they were not keen to see you again. Take a judgment call. 4. Approach guys you like, don't be awkward, don't miss a beat. Dont be afraid of rejection, dont read too far into signs. 6. Don't be nervous or meet when you're exhausted. Reschedule. 7. Invite out with other friends, to take edge off. 8. Don't mistake hot guys, for good boyfriends or even friends or nice people. A shag is a shag is a shag. They might be total jerks next morning. 9. Sex is sex. No emotional investment. Enjoy it for what it is. 10.Do establish during the date if you will see each other again. 4:49 p.m. - 2013-12-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Getting attached and dissaponted One of my biggest problems is I invest far too early in guys and then become bitterly disappointed when I don't hear from them anymore. There was Yannick who deleted me off FB twice and proceed to keep on messaging me "hi how r u" messages on Grindr and Whats app. Geer who I ended up hooking up with after a record 25 minutes in his place, I told him after a while I was looking for something more meaningful he never made an effort again to contact me. Raphael and Sascha who outright ignored my message to them. Rudolf who would message me at 3am in the morning to come and drunkenly fumble with me, but wouldnt ever suggest meeting or doing other things. From now on I have to compartmentalize. A shag is a shag. A date is a date, until I actually know a guy. Mutual friends means nothing. The only solace I can seek, is when I look back over my professional career, back in my days of press tv, Platform and Vice. I could never understand why they didn't take me on but took on others. Now looking back I can see I didn't fit their idea of what they wanted. There were a plethora of reasons that I only recognized later. Connections, they had all known each other for a long time (unbeknown to me). Yes, I was used but also I learnt through it. And you have to not see every rejection as a personal failing, but as an obstacle to surmount and keep on fighting. From now on, I need to think hard about if I want to sleep with someone. If I think I will get very attached, then I don't. Most guys have a physical attraction but not mental attraction. 6:44 p.m. - 2013-12-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Berlin Diary 1 I moved to Berlin to find myself, to get comfortable in my skin and to know who I was in 2013: 1. Stop investing so early on, wait until you've been hanging out for a month or so, don't be immature, a shag doesn't make a connection. Enjoy sex for what it is. Don't develop an emotional bond until you know someone. 2. Stop messaging next day, always wait three days. 3. Always think hard before shagging someone. 4. Stop thinking you know someone based on social media, you know them when you know them, the rest is an illusion. 5. A few meetings and an idea of compatibility/connection are not good breeding grounds for an rp. Time spent together knowing each other are. 6. YOU ARE CHARISTMATIC. HOT. CONFIDENT. SEXUAL AGRESSIVE BUTTERFLY. 7:55 a.m. - 2013-11-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Christian... So I'm kind of over the weirdness of the other night. I know I kind of feel uneasy about the friendship, I can totally get over if its unrequited, maybe I'm entering this rp for the wrong reasons. It was a come-on in haste. Looking at porn together is not 'normal'. I don't care how open someone is. It's just asking for trouble. I have that deep down feeling that unless I pull in the reins, things will get messy and the last thing I want is more enemies (for sure). It's time for damage limitation. What happened WAS awkward and the fact he has not owned up since or even tried to rectify the situation does suggest that their is a power dynamic that I don't really like. Not what I'm looking for in a a friendship ore relationship. There is no need to be hasty with this, and I'm quite glad that I reacted in the way that I did. The long break will clear things up and I'm prepared to walk away from a friendship that is not entirely straight up or clear. And if Christian is mixed up about his emotions than he should think more clearly. Because from the moment I've met him, all the signs have suggested he is definitely interested. it's possible when push came to shove his feelings waved. In which case he needs to communicate that. Anyway, I AM in control of this situation. Yeah, friends are scarce in this city, but decent friends or no friends. Honesty is paramount. Not looking for acquaintances. 12:25 p.m. - 2011-07-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||